How can I

look forward to the future if I continue to hold onto the past? Especially when my recollection of the past consists of unhappy memories. Why can't I remember the good times instead? Because there weren't many to begin with. Those unwarranted experiences were fuelled by anger, selfishness, ignorance and also laziness. But at the end of the day, it all boils down to the "I". "I" wanting to put the blame on the other and not on myself for my misdemeanour because "I" am PERFECT; "I" having high expectations and expecting my wishes to be fulfilled because "I" am so GREAT; "I" not bothering to help appease the madness because "I" am just too indolent; and "I" getting impatient and irritated for plans that didn't happen because "I" just can. Now I realise that I am NOT that PERFECT; NOT that GREAT; and I can be QUITE LAZY and IMPATIENT and IRRITABLE. After all, I am only human and we were not born as flawless creatures - but really we were brought into this world equipped with our own special talents and unique shortcomings. Why? To make the best with what we are endowed with and to continuously improve ourselves until we achieve our own version of perfection. At least, I know my weaknesses and I willingly admit them with dignified humility - a little bit of that quality comes a long way. The important thing is that I take away something valuable - a lesson or a few - from the past and use it to my best advantage. I have learnt something. Have you?

I am really looking forward to MY future.

For me, life has just begun.

My Newfound Fighting Spirit

I AM A FIGHTER NOW...THANKS TO YOU!

After all that you put me through,
You think I'd despise you,
But in the end I wanna thank you,
'Cause you've made me that much stronger

Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff, time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know how just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you, cause it...

makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanted to haunt me
but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter and I
I ain't goin' stop
There is no turning back
I've had enoughhhhhh

makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
I'll remember, I'll remember

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter! 

STEAM STEAM STEAM

I cannot take this anymore

I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
You'll find that out anyway
Just like before...

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
Just like before

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break

Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up
Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up
Shut up, I'm about to break!

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break 

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!!

I have let YOU go. I won't let MY emotions be controlled by YOU. I won't waste MY time and effort on YOU. Why should I, when all I get is nothing but hurt and ungratefulness? It is blatantly clear that  YOU do not know what gratitude is and how to reciprocate care - only YOUR needs are what you know best. How can YOU call yourself MY FRIEND if YOU can't even, for a moment, be happy for ME? Be proud of ME? Be accepting of ME for all that I am? Instead, I sense vibes of jealousy and resentment emanating from YOU. YOU can deny all that YOU want but vibrations don't lie.  

I tried. And, I am tired of it all. What's the point of trying when all my efforts go unappreciated? Instead, they backfire and I start to doubt myself. My other friends can attest to the fact that I am a good listener and advisor but I can just as easily flush their testimonies down the toilet bowl as one could with urine and faeces. Only YOUR words would ring incessantly in my head, like an irritating buzzing noise. I don't even know why or how YOUR comments can have a gripping effect on me.

But that is all in the past. It's over. I am moving on. I am walking in the direction of the door to inner peace and joy, and YOU are NOT going to stand in MY way.